Hope to see you there.

LS xx
Listen to my interview with Harriet Gilbert on the BBC World Service programme
The Strand
I'm also on Women's Hour on Tuesday the 6th of April.
The world according to Lola Shoneyin...


Bath Day
Strange how the morning
you spend a lifetime trying to forget
is the one you want most
to remember.
Stranger still,
how joy can be rinsed
from a moment set apart
for laughter,
leaving the memory frayed
like a threadbare rag.
Morning at the ward.
Women coo-calm infants
fresh from the womb.
Nurses, heavy of hip, roll round beds
with padded hands.
All morning the mantra: breast is best.
All morning they latch open mouth
to swollen breast.
I am in awe of the worm
I spewed that morning,
I watch it squirm
at the unrest of our world.
It jolts at every whimper,
jumps at every whine.
I wish I could swallow it,
save it from earthly rustlings.
By afternoon,
incessant cry and tear-glazed eye
tell me my august visitor
is a task master.
He who must be fed like a seed,
he whose bottom must be wiped,
whose suckling cuts my nipple
and makes me bleed.
Mid afternoon,
the bathroom is free
for me to wash away the shame of birth
‘Clean up for Daddy!’ a nurse teases.
That word rattles a silenced bell clapper.
My insides ring.
I kiss Augustus and bolt
the door behind me.
God! How the silence of the tiny room asserts itself.
The echoes flush me to the drain
but I stand firm. One and whole.
Then, quite unexpectedly,
pain seeps from every pore.
Yowl begets wail begets howl
for wounds that will never scab,
for the abscess of afterbirth.
For Kiitan
(Who is not forgotten)
I remember the ease with which
I stride into St Mary’s,
bosom full. Your sister, newly weaned,
clings to my hip.
Twice I’ve been there so I am unafraid.
‘An old hand,’ I call myself.
Stroke my expanding stomach
with fondness. This one will be my prince.
In the waiting room, I wince,
watch other women strain
to balance wombs on benches,
lest waters drain away.
A ray of light baptises us, burns our necks.
A cheery nurse muddles my name;
a mother’s name ought to be heavy
on the common, unholy tongue. I follow.
The table is green. On it, a soft paper sheet uncurls
like a worn-out wave at dusk. I lie belly up.
Glub glub, farts the gel.
The young doctor smears it belly down.
The ray of light is back. Its wand
shines a halo on the screen.
Shadows swim round the room.
I nearly miss the doctor’s wrinkled brow.
Is there something wrong? I ask.
I read her thoughts like a new scroll:
What should I tell her; how did she guess?
Yes, she says, and leaves me scrambling for her tailcoat.
Frozen, I lift to my eyes to the hallowed screen.
What could be wrong with my blue-blooded ball?
Another doctor marches in. She is older,
has a face like rubber and two honest chins.
It doesn’t take her long to find my prince’s cracks,
his imperfections. She tells me
his nerves will never ripen
and his brain is already shrivelled like a rotten nut.
how it came to be or what made him so.
Instead I fall to the hard, pitiless floor,
splayed out and twisted — an over-beaten rug.
They lead me to a small, windowless room.
A plastic vase adorned with dusty flowers.
An empty bookshelf. A large, luxurious sofa.
Tissues for tears. I wipe away the hours.
Here, they tell me the things I won’t believe:
that he will be born still, if born at all,
that he will be unsightly, ungainly, unprincely,
that it will be better to scratch him from my womb.
How little they know me, I think,
through deep-belly sighs and red, unseeing eyes.
I clutch my belly so my palms form a shield.
Perhaps they will forget he is there and let him be.
In the car, I am beside myself,
un-comfortable and desperate for someone
to blame, someone to name,
someone to feel as torn, as insane.
Weeks wonder by. I drag myself through streets,
questioning female forms, wary of open faces.
I don’t smile back. There’s a pink slip in my bag:
my appointment card —my menstrual rag, my price tag.
I don’t know that my body goes to the ward with me
but two will go and only one will return.
I feel like Abraham dragging Isaac at the altar,
only I won’t lay my prince on leaves and dry twigs.
The nurses are a transparent white.
Archangels of death, they swoop in, read notes,
rub the back my of quivering limbs.
Breath out, breathe in, they sing.
I tell the consultant I want to be asleep
but he says I’m too far gone.
I must push my prince into the world.
O empty arms! O wasted teat!
An archangel hands me a large purple pill.
Swallow it quickly, she whispers.
I place it on my tongue. It is poison
to stop my prince’s pulse.
Next, she digs a drip into my arm.
Veins narrow, fists tighten.
Blood battles bag. My body will not give in.
Eyes split and spill onto the pillow.
You will feel a heaviness when it comes, she says.
Here’s a bedpan and here’s a lid.
I cannot bear the way she refers to him. It!
Like he’s nothing but a hefty shit.
Soon, pain takes me hostage.
My stomach is cuffed, thighs bound together.
My prince does not want to leave my warmth;
I don’t want my warmth to leave my prince.
A weight drops from my womb.
I summon all strength and squat
over the bedpan. He falls from me like a coffin.
I replace the lid —graveside dust.
I can’t bear to watch her look at him.
She asks if I would like to bury him.
I mumble something about donation to medical science.
There isn’t a spot in the garden that’s worthy of him.
Instead, let him be enthroned in a crystal jar,
be revered and worshipped like a fallen star.
And let this be inscribed with a platinum pen:
‘To be collected by mother.’ Son, till then.